ЦПƧYMMΣƬЯIᄃΛᄂ

1. THE FOURTH DOT IN THE SENTENCE

In my family of four, my father, mother, younger brother, and I- I’ve always felt like the fourth dot at the end of a sentence, just slightly away from the other three words. Their circle is tight. Their inside jokes and shared moments are fluent in a language I’ve never learned.

Sometimes, I watch them on the couch, laughing at something I didn’t catch. I hover in the doorway, waiting to be pulled in, but invitation rarely comes anymore.

2. THE DOOR THAT SEPARATES YOU

I fought for my own room at 22- privacy mattered. I wanted to wear what I want without being judged, to write without interruption. But the door I closed for independence also closed on connection. Now, the distance isn’t just physical – it’s emotional.

3. WATCHING WITHOUT BELONGING

You stand nearby, you listen, you even smile…. but it’s always from the outside. Like watching through the glass- close enough to see, too far to feel.

4. THE MASK YOU WAER IN PUBLIC

In college, my mask is invisible but heavy. I measure my words, hide my reactions, because I’ve learned that showing hurt makes you an easy target. If they want to wound you, your weakness is their weapon.

5. LAUGHING WHEN IT HURTS

I still remember the cafeteria – someone joked about something personal in front of everyone. I laughed along, even though my chest tightened. Later, in a bathroom stall, I realized: if I had shown it hurt, they’d have aimed there again.

6. MISSING ” YOUR PERSON”

I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boy- friend. I’ve never had that person who sees me without performance, who knows me without explanations. And I miss it. Not because I need romance for validation, but because I want to belong- fully, deeply – in someone’s eyes.

7. CONFIDENCE THAT COSTS TOO MUCH

People say I am confident. And yes, I can stand on stage, present, perform. But what they don’t see is the cost. The energy drains out of me until even victories feel hollow.

8. CHILDHOOD WAS DIFFERENT

When I was a child, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think about feelings or reactions. I saw what I wanted, and I went for it. Now I pause. I overthink. I weigh. And in the weighing, I lose the freedom I once had.

9. THE EDGE OF THE CIRCLE

No matter how close I stand, it always feels like I’m on the edge. Not unwanted, but not fully included. Almost part of it, almost not.

10. THE OUTSIDER’S ACHE

I know life is ultimately a solo journey- we walk our paths alone. But even so, humans crave threads that tie us together. We want to be woven into something bigger than ourselves.

AND ME?

I’M STILL THAT GIRL ON THE OUTSIDE, TRYING TO GET IN….